*
(audience cheering)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight.
I'm John Oliver, thank you so much for being with us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin in Cuba.
Or as JFK used to pronounce it, "Booty Island."
The U.S. has had a tempestuous relationship with Cuba over the years.
And this week brought a major development.
The breaking news, the United States now has formally dropped Cuba
from its list of state-sponsors of terrorism.
It's frankly about time,
because arguably the largest act of terrorism that Cuba has inspired in the last 30 years
was "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights."
Until Friday, Cuba had been one of just four countries on the list,
along with Iran, Sudan and Syria.
And it did always feel like Cuba was the odd one out there.
It's like someone saying, "I've got a deal with my husband.
"I can sleep with four other people. So my list is Ryan Gosling,
"Chris Pratt, Idris Elba, and beloved sitcom actor Jon Cryer."
Really? I'd love to hear your rationale behind that last one.
Because it's worth noting even the State Department
did not seem to know why Cuba was on the list.
Their most recent entry said that there was "no indication
"Cuba provided weapons or training to terrorist groups."
So it was more that Cuba liked the idea of terrorism.
That they were into terrorism the same way a kid in a Salt Lake City mall
is into the Crips.
Sure you are, Brandon.
Sure you are.
But now Cuba's been taken off the list,
which clearly presents a number of opportunities.
Female reporter: Under the plan, economic sanctions would also be lifted
encouraging business and tourism in Cuba.
And it is tourism which might change Cuba's mind
over whether this week's news was good or not.
'Cause I give them about three months of being overrun with American tourists
asking where they can find the most authentic mojito
before they say,
"You know what? It turns out we are pretty terror-ish after all.
"You guys might wanna put us back on that list, please."
Let's move on to Nebraska.
A state you think about so little,
you didn't even realize that's not Nebraska, this is Nebraska.
Come on, it's your country. That's not okay.
Nebraska had some big and surprising news this week.
Male reporter: Nebraska is now the first conservative state
in more than 40 years to abolish the death penalty.
That's right. You will no longer be sentenced
to death by lethal injection in Nebraska.
Unless you count drinking their subsidized corn syrup through a straw.
Which-- which is slow acting, but it will get you in the end.
Nebraska has actually become the 19th state to outlaw the death penalty.
But it wasn't easy. Their governor, and enormous human thumb, Pete Ricketts,
was staunchly opposed to the whole idea.
Female reporter: "My words cannot express how appalled I am
"that we have lost a critical tool
"to protect law enforcement and Nebraska families."
Words cannot express? Why don't you try.
It's a written public statement, you giant shaved owl.
And incidentally, they picked the perfect photo there.
Just look how happy he is at the idea of lethal injections.
Interestingly, one of the reasons lawmakers voted to repeal the death penalty
was purely practical, as it's become increasingly difficult
to obtain the necessary drugs for executions.
And watch how Ricketts tried to overcome that objection.
Yesterday, Nebraska governor Pete Ricketts announced the state has successfully
purchased drugs to administer the death penalty.
So he's essentially saying, "Hey, guys, great news. I found the murder drugs
"that I've been looking for."
How is that good news, you unpeeled hard-boiled egg with teeth?
But it turned out, anyway, his plan was a little flawed.
First, the drugs he found were located in India
and cost nearly $55,000 in taxpayer money.
And that's expensive. We are talking adderall in the Yale library
during finals week expensive.
And secondly, there was this.
Female reporter: The FDA tells us, quote,
"With very limited exceptions, which do not apply here,
"it is unlawful to import this drug
"and FDA would refuse its admission into the United States."
And that is pathetic.
Because saying that you've got access to high-quality drugs from India
and then not being able to deliver is embarrassing enough
when you're a high school junior trying to get into your prom date's pants.
It is downright humiliating when you are the adult governor of a state
trying to desperately kill people, you dollar store Lex Luthor.
And... and lastly this week,
let's move on to Ireland.
A country with a slightly higher Irish population than the Dropkick Murphys.
While we were off last week, Ireland had a historic vote.
Male reporter: This is the moment same sex supporters in Ireland
knew they'd made history.
Irish voters said a resounding "yes" to gay marriage
by a margin of two to one.
That is the most... That's right. (applause)
That is the most resounding Irish endorsement of homosexuality
since Lucky Charms added the rainbow marshmallow.
The vote was helped along by heartwarming ads from the "yes vote" camp,
such as the "bring your family with you" commercial.
* See your face once more Dad? Will you come with me?
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Mom. Come on.
It's time.
*
That ad is a moving testament to love crossing generational boundaries.
Although, it would also make a chilling scene from a movie about Irish millennials
euthanizing their parents.
"Mom, it's time.
"Now go ahead and walk into the ocean like the prophecy demands.
"It's time, Ma. It's time."
The Irish vote was widely celebrated
with one depressingly predictable voice of dissent.
A sharp rejection today of Ireland's historic same sex marriage vote
from the Catholic Church.
The Vatican's secretary of state called the result a, quote,
"defeat for humanity."
Okay, settle down a little, Catholic Church.
Remember, you're an organization whose victories for humanity include
the Crusades, forced adoptions,
and running a wildly successful international pedophile exchange program.
So let's save the "defeat for humanity" accusation
for things that truly deserve it, like this:
Announcer: We're turning bacon upside down.
Introducing Perfect Bacon Bowl.
And try this: a Bacon Bowl ice cream sundae.
Salty sweet, and fun to eat.
Oh! That is a defeat for humanity.
Because we are destroying civilization one manipulated pork form at a time.
But the Vatican's blinkered stance made a little more sense
in the context of a seemingly unrelated piece of information that came out this week.
One person who definitely is not watching our broadcast tonight,
Pope Francis. In fact, he told an Argentinian newspaper
that he hasn't watched television in 25 years.
He says he simply decided it wasn't for him.
Oh, I'm sorry, Pope. This isn't for you?
This is-- actually, that's a good instinct.
This show is definitely not for you.
It's why in the little warning card at the top of every episode
it says "UP: unsuitable for popes."
But it is a shame because it might have helped if the Pope
had been watching TV over the last 25 years.
TV shows have done a lot to acclimate people to same sex relationships.
There was "Will and Grace," there was "Ellen,"
"Queer as Folk," "SpongeBob SquarePants."
Oh-- oh, please. They hang out in a pineapple under the sea.
Read between the lines.
I'm just saying, Pope, if you'd watched TV, not only would you have learned a lot,
but there are shows that you might have really liked.
If nothing else, I think you'd have loved "Breaking Bad."
That's a show you could really relate to.
It's a story about a man gradually losing touch with reality,
overseeing a vast criminal enterprise, and yet so powerful
that no one's brave enough to tell him he's wearing a very silly hat.
And now, this.
Announcer: And now, newscasters finding the fact
they don't know words hilarious.
For the second straight year, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has co-champions.
Spelling words none of us have ever heard of.
Man: I can't even say the final word.
Scherenschnitte.
"Scherenschnite." Bless you.
Scheren... schnitty. Scherenschnitty.
I've got some schnerenschnit over here for lunch.
Nunatak. N-U-N-A-T-A-K. Nunatak.
Nunatak! Noonatak. Noonatak. Noonattack.
That was a nun attack. What's the word?
I can tell you that much. (laughs)
Nunnintek. I apologize if I'm not pronouncing them right
'cause I couldn't even begin to tell you what it-- what it--
Well, I know what it means. It means a hill or a mountain surrounded by glacial ice.
But I know that because my producers told me.
But did you know it right away?
Uh, yeah, obviously.
* La-da-da-da-da
* It's the motherfucking D-O-double G *
* Snoop Dogg!
Moving on, our main story tonight is FIFA.
The organization that sounds the most like the name of a purse dog.
"It's not 'Fifi,' it's 'Fifa.'"
You may remember last year we examined what an appalling organization FIFA is,
treating countries that host the World Cup like cash machines,
practically imposing their own rule of law,
generating billions of dollars, and yet,
somehow remaining a nonprofit.
Now, despite being almost the dictionary definition of corruption,
they've escaped any significant prosecution for decades.
But that all ended on Wednesday.
Male reporter: High-ranking officials from FIFA,
the sport's governing body, arrested in an overnight raid in Switzerland,
the result of a sweeping FBI investigation.
I don't know what I'm more surprised by,
that FIFA officials were actually arrested
or that America was behind it.
It took the country that cares the least about football
to bring down the people who have been ruining it.
That's-- that's like finding out that Kesha arrested a group of bankers
involved in commodities fraud.
Wow, Kesha. I actually did not think this was an interest of yours.
But you've been undeniably effective.
Tenacious prosecution, K.
It's not just the fact of the arrests that was spectacular,
it's how they were carried out.
We saw several of those FIFA officials led from the hotel,
I think it was the hotel staff trying to protect their appearance,
if not their dignity, with white hotel sheets.
Oh. That is perfect.
Because hotel sheets are very much like FIFA officials.
They really should be clean, but they're actually unspeakably filthy,
and deep down everybody knows that.
Essentially, the U.S. government has accused FIFA officials
of soliciting $150 million in bribes and kickbacks,
in forms ranging from cash in a briefcase to an expensive painting,
which, to be fair, is unexpectedly classy corruption
for sports executives.
'Cause if you wanted to bribe Roger Goodell,
all you'd really need is a cardboard box filled with old "Playboys."
Apparently, the big breakthrough came
when the IRS caught Chuck Blazer,
a corrupt American FIFA official and actual bad Santa.
For many years, Blazer didn't even file a tax return,
which was a little suspicious considering the lifestyle he lived.
Male reporter: His criminal activity financed an opulent lifestyle,
that included a luxury apartment in New York's Trump Tower
for the use of his cats.
Wow!
None of us know what aloof really means
until we meet a cat that has its own apartment in Trump Tower.
He probably doesn't even lick himself. He just uses the on-site dry cleaning.
Now, Blazer became an FBI informant,
and with his help the U.S. government managed to produce
a 164-page indictment which I genuinely recommend that you read
because it's amazing.
Let me give you just a taste. For instance,
it alleges that former FIFA vice president Jack Warner
tried to help buy votes with envelopes containing $40,000 in cash.
And when someone objected, he said, "If you're pious, open a church, friends.
"Our business is our business."
Which is not just awful, it's factually incorrect.
Because opening a church is a fantastic way to make a shit ton of money.
That's just a fact. And...
If you need any more proof that Jack Warner
could not give less of a fuck, listen to this.
After he was arrested, he left jail in an ambulance claiming exhaustion.
Exhaustion that he then recovered from miraculously quickly.
Female reporter: Hours after he was released from jail,
the former FIFA exec turned politician was defiant
as he addressed a rally.
* Every little thing is gonna be all right *
(audience laughs) That is cocky.
Denying any involvement while singing "Every little thing's gonna be all right."
As songs go, that's a little on the nose.
I guess we're just lucky that he didn't go
with "Got Your Money" by Ol' Dirty Bastard.
Which, come to think of it, are three words that describe Jack Warner perfectly.
But the cherry on top of all of this
was a video Jack Warner released just today,
where he suggested that this arrest was all a conspiracy,
brining hard proof in the form of a newspaper article
stating that FIFA was trying to placate the U.S.
by giving them an extra World Cup this year.
FIFA has frantically announced
2015, 2015, this year,
this year, um, Olympic final
in the World Cup beginning May 27.
If the FIFA is so bad,
why is it the USA wants to keep the FIFA World Cup?
And let's be fair, he's right.
FIFA giving the U.S. an extra World Cup is comically ridiculous.
It's the sort of thing you'd usually see in an "Onion" article.
Which it turns out was exactly what he was holding up there.
And it says something... it says something
about how corrupt FIFA is that one of their ex-vice presidents
could look at that story and think, "Yeah.
"That sounds like something they might do. Yeah. Yeah."
But maybe the most remarkable thing about all of the charges
is that they didn't touch Sepp Blatter,
who's been President of FIFA for the last 17 years.
Now, on his watch, the World Cup has left a trail of devastation.
Just last year, Brazil spent billions of dollars
on massive new stadiums to host the World Cup.
Stadiums which have met a predictable fate.
These days there's very little football being played
at the world's second most expensive stadium.
In fact, it mostly sits empty.
After hosting less than a handful of matches during last year's World Cup,
it's never been filled again.
Today, it serves mainly as a parking lot for these buses.
You have to give them credit.
FIFA literally went into Brazil,
paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
But that is just a drop in the ocean of what has happened on Blatter's watch.
Just look at what's gonna happen next Saturday,
when the Women's World Cup starts.
Blatter has previously suggested
raising the popularity of women's soccer
by saying, "They could, for example, have tighter shorts.
"Female players are pretty."
And it is rare to find a non-fired boss
who will openly say, "I would like to make it easier
"for me to masturbate to my employees."
And as you'll see next week, that is pretty much the full extent
of Blatter's care for female players' legs.
Female reporter: Every game will be played, for the first time in history,
on artificial turf.
Many U.S. team members are livid.
It is a gender equality issue.
No chance would the men ever play a World Cup on turf.
Reporter: Leroux recently posted pictures of skin burns
she says were caused by turf.
Holy shit!
The last time an athlete's legs were beaten up that badly
in advance of a major competition,
it was because Tonya Harding was unwilling to settle for silver.
But no decision Blatter has overseen
is more questionable than the 2022 World Cup being awarded to Qatar.
Because not only will the conditions be terrible to play in,
but the number of migrant workers that have died in Qatar
since the Cup was announced has been staggering.
Female reporter: Now, the numbers are difficult to pin down.
But a report by the International Trade Union Confederation,
for example, has estimated 1,200 deaths so far,
with up to 4,000 additional worker deaths by 2022.
Now, even if all those are not directly related to the World Cup,
those are still natural disaster numbers.
Weather services should start issuing FIFA warnings.
"A stadium is being planned in your area. Evacuate immediately."
And you would think all this might cost Sepp Blatter his job.
And on Friday, he was actually up for reelection as FIFA's president,
and offered a pretty terrible defense for himself.
I know many people hold me
ultimately responsible for the actions
and reputation of the global football community.
We, or I,
cannot monitor everyone all of the time.
That is weak.
You are basically Charles Manson saying,
"Listen, I've got a big family.
"I don't know what Squeaky gets up to half the time."
And by this point, having learned what you know about FIFA,
you have no right to be surprised by the results of Friday's election.
With all eyes on FIFA, the most powerful man in football, Sepp Blatter,
has won a fifth term as president of that organization.
Come on! He presided over the worst fiasco in their history.
It's like a Sony executive greenlighting a sequel
in the middle of watching "Aloha."
"This-- this is absolutely terrible, and I need to make sure there's more of it.
"We'll call it 'Aloha 2:
"This Time We Mean The Other Meaning.'"
Blatter's-- Blatter's reelection
was absolutely a foregone conclusion.
Everyone knew this was coming.
And I can explain why.
All 209 members in FIFA get a single vote for president.
And a lot of those smaller members have a financial interest
in keeping things exactly as they are.
Male reporter: All share equally the profits from the World Cup,
regardless of size or soccer prowess.
Man: Liechtenstein gets as much money as Germany.
Andorra gets as much money as Spain.
And Montserrat gets as much money as United States.
That's right. The U.S. gets the same share as Montserrat,
which A, isn't even a country,
and B, has a population of less than 6,000.
So America, a country with a population of 320 million,
gets just as much as an island with a head count
matching that of a slightly overbooked Caribbean cruise.
And that's why under FIFA's system, leadership never changes.
Their elections are such a joke
that four years ago Blatter ran unopposed.
This was the actual ballot paper from that year.
And they should at least have added a second box so that your options were
"vote Blatter" or "go fuck yourself."
And the problem is all the arrests in the world
are gonna change nothing as long as Blatter is still there.
Because to truly kill a snake you must cut off its head.
Or in this case, its asshole.
But-- but if America keeps driving this investigation--
(applause) This is important.
If America keeps driving this investigation,
and actually finds something to indict him,
I don't think you understand how much that would mean to everyone on earth.
The whole world's opinion of America would change overnight.
Let me put this in terms you might understand.
If the Dutch somehow found a reason to extradite and lock up Donald Trump,
you would think, "Holy shit! The Dutch are awesome!
"The Dutch are-- What a country!"
That is what is on the table for you, America.
And if you won't do it, the last hope to get rid of him
is in the hands of the only group
even more powerful than world governments.
Right now, he's being backed because the money's still flowing in.
The second Nike says goodbye, or the second Visa says goodbye,
or Adidas or Coca-Cola or Budweiser,
I guarantee you, FIFA will not-- the heads of FIFA
will not have the support they currently enjoy.
Exactly. Barring an indictment,
the only people with the power to get rid of Sepp Blatter
are FIFA's sponsors. These companies.
And I would like to make a plea to them tonight.
Please, make Sepp Blatter go away.
I will do anything. Adidas, I'll wear one of your ugly shoes.
(applause) One of these shoes
that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs.
McDonald's, I will take a bite
out of every item on your dollar menu.
Which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard.
And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice.
Budweiser, if you pull your support
and help get rid of Blatter,
I will put my mouth where my mouth is
and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items.
I'm serious. It can be a Bud Light.
I will even drink a Bud Light Lime.
Despite the fact that all the lime in the world
cannot disguise the fact that this tastes like a puddle
beneath a Long John Silver's Dumpster.
But I will do it. I will drink one,
maintaining eye contact with the camera,
and I will say it was delicious.
Because if you get rid of the Swiss demon
who has ruined the sport I love,
this stuff will taste like fucking champagne.
(cheering, applause)
And now, this:
Announcer: And now,
Bernie Sanders asks interviewers questions.
Do you know what youth unemployment is today? Man: No.
Do you know what the average contribution was? Man: What was it?
Do you know what the unemployment rate there is? Man: It's extremely high.
Do you know how much it costs to go to college in Denmark?
How much does it cost? Do you know?
Do you know what their agenda is? Do you know what they believe in?
Do you know how the VA was processing claims?
Do you know how many factories we have lost in the last ten years?
Do you know what's going on in Nicaragua? What's going on in Panama?
Do you know what the bottom 60 percent own?
Do you know what the bad news is?
Do you know what you have to do? Do you know what?
You know what? Well, you know what?
You know what? I got a pain in my stomach and I'm worried.
(laughter, applause)
And finally tonight, Hitler.
Or as I prefer to call him, Mr. Eva Braun.
Hashtag "feminism," hashtag "Hitler."
Hitler died 70 years ago last month.
Which is apparently long enough
for some countries to get away with TV shows like this.
Male reporter: A new Czech Republic TV show
has pushed the reality TV genre
even closer to the edge of good taste,
with a new Nazi-themed show called "Holiday in the Protectorate."
The premise is simple: three generations of one family
are placed in a situation, of a mock Nazi-occupied Europe.
If they make it through two months, they get 50 grand.
(crowd groaning) That... that begs so many questions.
Not the least of which is what happens if they don't win?
What does losing entail on that show? Because in 1939,
the stakes were pretty fucking high.
Now, you might think that that is the most casual use of Nazi history
you can possibly imagine. But there's actually been something
that we've been wanting to show to you for a while.
A couple of months ago, we were researching a story and stumbled across
a propaganda video produced by the Thai government
designed to teach the core values of Thai society.
Just keep an eye out for what one child is painting.
*
(audience groans)
Yes. That is a child applauding their friend's Hitler painting.
Which is obviously offensive. You don't applaud art when you like it.
You nod thoughtfully and drink your weight
in complimentary gallery Chardonnay.
Now, we naturally assumed this was just a one-off aberration.
But it turns out Thailand has something of a bizarre fixation with Hitler imagery.
Thailand's biggest university apologizing today for a controversial mural.
Take a look at the artwork. It's depicting Adolf Hitler in a group of superheroes.
Female reporter: A Christian school in Thailand now apologizing
for allowing students to march in a Nazi-themed parade.
Male reporter: The Hitler chicken restaurant
is using the image of the Nazi leader
on an emblem similar to KFC.
KFC calls it extremely distasteful.
That's right. KFC, the makers of the chicken scraps
and potato mélange you drink from a cup,
called something extremely distasteful,
and were not being hypocritical.
Now, to be fair, in Thai schools,
"world history is not given much attention,
"with little or no mention of the Holocaust."
Although to be even fairer, come on!
How is it appropriate to use Hitler on a billboard
to advertise a wax museum, or to advertise a herbal laxative tea
with Hitler proclaiming, "Release the demon."
That doesn't even make sense, Thailand.
If you had Hitler screaming at you to take a shit,
I'm pretty sure you wouldn't need a fucking laxative.
And we haven't even got into the clothing available in Thailand yet.
You can buy t-shirts featuring panda Hitlers,
and Teletubby Hitlers.
Who is that last one for?
There are two types of people who would wear Hitler Teletubby clothing.
The type that want a Teletubby shirt so badly they'll take one with Hitler on it,
and the type who want a Hitler shirt so badly they'll take one with a Teletubby on it.
And I'm not sure who the worse person is there.
But the greatest example
of just how comfortable Thailand is with Hitler imagery
is the fact that a Thai band called "Slur" once produced this video.
*
That is misjudged just from a marketing standpoint.
How are teenage girls supposed to pick a favorite boy band member
if all of them are the bad boy?
Look, look, Thailand, you need to understand
the only acceptable depictions of Hitler are either in a history textbook
or accidentally on a dog's face.
That's the only time.
Who's a bad boy? You are.
You're a very bad boy.
But to embrace the actual Hitler is a real problem.
He was terrible. Google Hitler right now, Thailand,
and see what comes up. Seriously, do it now. We will all wait.
(soft music plays)
Yes. Exactly, Thailand. He was really bad.
Look, this has to stop.
'Cause if you need a charismatic personality with a funny mustache to worship,
there are other options. In fact, there's a perfect option.
And I'm talking about beloved comedian and TV personality Rip Taylor.
He's got everything you're looking for, Thailand.
Funny mustache, check. Colorful outfits, big check.
What about a flair for pageantry?
Rip Taylor, ladies and gentlemen.
*
I don't understand what the hell they're doing!
I mean, it looks more like a riptide to me!
Sure, it's no Nuremberg Rally, but come on.
It's pretty close.
And the beauty is Rip Taylor is more than willing
to be the new face of whatever you want in Thailand.
Don't take my word for it. Tell them, Rip.
Thailand, I would love to be your substitute Hitler!
I would love to be your substitute Hitler!
Put Rip Taylor on whatever you want.
Murals and walls and t-shirts and chicken restaurants
and dress up your boy bands as me! Seriously! (laughs)
Come on, do it. Don't just sit there, do it!
See? He'll do it! And guess what?
Rip Taylor-- Rip Taylor has never killed six million Jews.
Tell them, Rip.
Rip's never killed a single Jew!
Not a single one! Seriously!
No Jews. Never. Never. It's not my nature.
Exactly! And to be honest, that's a relief,
'cause I did not check that before asking him.
But the point is it's true, so come on, Thailand.
'Cause if anything, your laxative teas
are about to get even better commercials.
That's our show, our huge thanks to Rip Taylor. Please join us next week!
Good night!
Wanna know the difference between this show and my toupée?
My toupée is more likely to stay on. (laughs)
Good night, America! Hope you learned about politics! I did!
(audience cheering)